Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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