just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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