At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize