miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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