last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
