Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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