did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
