i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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