you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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