My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
