My nipple is on Facebook.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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