You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
