Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize