New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
