is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
