girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
