Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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