Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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