Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
