but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
