dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
