You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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