he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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