Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
