My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
