I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
