I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
