OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
