Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
