When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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