i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
