This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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