So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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