carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
