This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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