I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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