the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
