Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
