his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
