Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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