I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
