apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
