did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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