How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
