It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
