rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
