he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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