I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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