Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
