I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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