YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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