I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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