Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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