I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
