Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
