do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
