I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
