You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
