I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
