Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize